Shame is an opt in system

I don’t regret choosing wrong

Jan 08, 2026

Regret and shame are nearly invisible, almost otherworldly concepts to me—often skipping over my heart and my mind. When people ask, “do you have no shame?” the answer is probably a resounding yes. But, I understand why shame and regret stalk so many people.

To be quiet frank, society functions through social contracts, and most people are f*cking cops—to themselves and to others. Interrogating, antagonizing, forcing themselves into cuffs, loading their mistakes into the back of the car, fingerprinting every error for easy mental recognition later. Imprisoned by their own minds, and for what?

Forgoing the internalization of social enforcement means I can dance while walking down the street without giving a f*ck. It means not returning to work after the holidays—and quitting my job—arrives with less stress. It means decisions like going back to school for another degree at 40 wont be met with internalized barriers like “Will I be too old?”

Living a non-traditional path flows with greater ease, fewer mental oppositions, and less friction as social contracts dissolve into a muddied rain puddle in my mind.

Some would call this lack of shame and regret a facet of confidence. Others might call it a symptom of a neurodivergent mind—one that brushes past social standards and struggles to internalize them. Some might blame the first house Jupiter, providing gallons of optimism and radical self-faith. Orrrrr, maybe it’s just a large head (which I also have).

I try to care about social world concepts, but truthfully, I always choose myself above them. I may spend weeks experiencing the tug of war pull between social decisions and innovative ideas, and yet, I still choose what I want to do.

This often places me in the crosshairs of social danger. Imagine my confusion learning that hearting someone’s Instagram story apparently means something. These are contracts and systems created to establish a certain social order. If you do certain things, beware because people may interpret it according to the social contract.

Not only does the world spin on collective rules and people policing others — it also turns on the obsessive fixation people have with themselves in relation to everyone else. I’ll say it this way: other people’s opinions only really matter to those who struggle silencing that loud voice in their head. Critique matters most to people who aggressively critique the lives of themselves and/or others.

It’s a view of self that merges with others and says, “This opinion really matters. The thought I just had is really loud, therefore it really matters in the context of the world.” It’s either internalized, externalized or both. Freedom comes from realizing it might matter in a specific context, but it does not have to matter in relation to you as a human being. It isn’t defining, binding, or reflective.

An opinion matters only in relation to the mind it came from. There is no contract, no tether, no enmeshment — until one is created. (This is why cord cuttings are so important.)

Likewise, shame can only arise when parts of yourself are deemed unacceptable. No one can shame you or hold anything over your head that you accept and own. Once owned, it loses all weight. Like opinions and social order, shame only functions when activated. To be in a contract, you must sign. You must buy in.

With this mindset, I spent much of my early twenties as a free spirit, not buying into much, just experimenting, and choosing. I’m glad I did, because several times, I chose wrong.

I moved to the place I shouldn’t have. I dated the person I should’ve avoided. I took the drugs much too young. I scaled up the business much too fast. I said the thing you probably shouldn’t.

I didn’t understand it then, but looking back, I’m grateful for the choices. Choosing wrong helps gain knowledge of what is right to you and for you — but only if you allow it.

By nature, choosing wrong, often means going against what’s normal, popular, or “good,” especially in the eyes of others. That’s when the shame, regret, and internalized policing begs to creep forward. It’s in that moment that the decision is made: am I going to take this as a moral, emotional, intellectually, human failing or will I simply learn?

Oftentimes, internalized policing helps people feel moral, correct, or like a good citizen. The vicious cycle of ‘live right, feel good. live wrong, feel wrong’ continues. It grows harder to separate morality, good character, and personal identity from collective thought. As Wicked once taught me, always be aware of people who claim to be good.

Don’t get me wrong. Principles, beliefs, morality, and good character matter deeply to me. Living a virtuous life still matters. I studied philosophy of religion and society; of course rigor and ethical frameworks matter to me. But what happens when I choose wrong? When I go against my own principles?

Instead of regret, something else arrives: clarity. Every experience grabs me by the cheeks, lifts my head and helps me reorient a new future — this time with knowledge in my back pocket.

Every time I choose wrong, information arrives. Whether direction or a clearer sense of self, I don’t need to suffer to understand. I only need to pay attention.

It may sound foreign, but you can choose wrong, morally ‘fail,’ socially fail, and still forgo self-shame and punishment. There is a world where self-growth occurs without self-imposed carceral punishment.

There is no courtroom in my head. No sentence to serve. No debt to repay for being human (even if others would prefer there to be one). Just loads of clarity.

Maybe that’s what opting out really looks like. It’s not chaos or carelessness, but a life where experience is allowed do what it’s supposed to do: instruct without condemning. A life where I choose myself, not because I am perfect, but because I am paying attention to what is for me, and that’s enough to live the upstanding life I seek.

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